Being a Woman...

"Yatra naryastu pujyante ramante tatra Devata, yatraitaastu na pujyante sarvaastatrafalaah kriyaah" Manusmriti 3.56 – which translated reads : "Whenever women are given their due respect, even the deities like to reside there and where they are not respected, all action remains unfruitful."

Sometimes I wonder what my greatest weakness is and after a lot of thinking and pondering on the thought, after a fair share of tears and near fatal heart failures, I have come to the conclusion that its just about being a woman. Just being myself, part of the large female species, is so tiresome and difficult. Learning to domesticate my thoughts is by far the most difficult process of my 24 years of existence. And what do I get at the end of all this? And I'm supposed to like this domestication because? I'm female? Honestly, I do have a life and a right to live it too, just like the men in this world. Why is it that every step of the way, I have to cry about being a woman?

Do I really want to be part of this society that relegates women at every step? Do I want to contribute to the injustice by not raising my voice against it? And if I do raise my voice will anybody listen to me? I have so many questions and not one answer. It's scary! Just when I thought my life had the right balance of independance and happiness, my worlds turned over once again. I wonder if men exist who want competent wives. This is the first time in my 24 year existence where I feel pity on being born a woman. I feel at a loss because of my gender- because I do not hold the right to a choice because a man will make it for me, and mind you I'm not conservative and neither is the society I belong to conservative, or at least they chose not be called conservative, but they do not give me a right to a choice. And thats how it's been for the past century and thats how it will be for the next century. Till a week ago, I felt extremely proud to be a woman. I felt proud that I could take important decisions, and still think with an emotional capacity. Today my feminity seems to be fighting my womanhood.But none of those decisions matter. Nothing matters. I've become less hopeful. I think finally I am going to succumb. I'll whine about it, but I will let go and say f*** it in the end. Because I'm sick of fighting.

I'm fed up of trying to be well dressed, wear heals and still walk as fast as men in flat boring shoes. My whole existence these days seems to be baffled by these stupid men. Im sick of juggling a practical discussion and still being sensitive and softpoken. The last few years a lot of my very close friends have been guys, and in a mixed group, I had begun to feel there really is no difference. The girls talked just like the guys , we had a similar take on relationships and it was just plain healthy. It never occured to me that the difference between us was so vast. But it is and there is just no level of equality. You know how they say all 'men' are born equal. They are so damn right! The women obviously did not feature then and they don't fetaure now. I'm petrified, because I know I will live to have no sense of identity. I'm going to slowly but steadly lose every bit of my soul, just so the society can be happy, and then when they're finished with me, they will go find another girl whose soul they can destroy. And this will go on forever. I wonder why God made the *female* child.