Questions-Questions

This morning I was speaking to one of my closest and oldest girlfriends, with whom I share a very special bond. On a broad level, we are as different as day and night and yet it’s scary how we share so much in common. We have had the most contrasting picture of life for the longest time and still through it all, we have learnt the art of acknowledging each other’s idea of life and somewhere down the road, our dreams have always merged. So I was not surprised how we both were going through the exact same thought process today. We both seemed upset, rather depressed and mostly angry about how we have had random people come and ask us when we were planning to get hitched. Seriously, this should be a taboo question because what it does is puts pressure on unmarried people who are leading otherwise normal life’s without these random people questioning them.

And this is my problem- none of these people matter to us and yet they play such a significant part in our otherwise calm lives with their mindless titter tatter? Can somebody explain the human mind to me please? Because with each passing day, I am struggling to understand how people think and why they think so obsessively about other people’s weddings!

I am emotional, but I have always thought with my head (well in most cases) and somehow I am now stressed about this entire marriage issue because everyone around me thinks I am old enough to be married? I have struggled the last few years, given up so many special moments to achieve a flourishing career and now all of a sudden I feel like a visitor who has overstayed in my parents’ house? Nobody acknowledges my career anymore, all they talk about is how I am still unmarried. More than anything it scares me to think that I will never be able to please anyone. I will be this huge disappointment and will not live up to anyone’s expectations- because let’s face it, nobody expects a flourishing career for a girl, what they do expect is a married 27 year old woman :(

Err...Butterflies !

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones, Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies....
- Carrie from Sex and the City

Oh! The smugly married- They make me want to choke them! Firstly, I am sick of people settling for imperfection, then trying to combat their agony by being over the moon every time you speak to them. And all this in public view of a life I would NEVER want to have. I know this sounds harsh, even bitchy to a great extent, but think about it- I do not want an average life- I never have wanted one. I do not want a compromising relationship, where I wake up every morning to someone who is living his side of the deal and I'm living mine. Whats the point of settling down just for the heck of it? It has got to be the perfect person- it's a question of two lives (mine being the more important one!). It' s like all celebrations in my life have been halted till I tread to the alter- how annoying.

Nothing seems to go the correct direction- it's so sad... I am going back to my retail world- it's all so pretty and charming, pink and glossy, with a variety that could make my heart skip a beat... and no I will not have to settle for anything less! Than err... BUTTERFLIES!

I am that Girl

I am that girl who belives in the power of a hug. I am that girl who loves to be cuddled.
I am that girl who could cry upon a blink. I am that girl who decided that crying is not the solution.
I am that girl who trusts everyone. I am that girl who always gets betrayed.
I am that girl who believes in love. I am that girl who is scared of love.
I am that girl who loves my space. I am that girl who is never alone.
I am that girl who friends cherish. I am that girl who lovers do not value.
I am that girl who has a vision. I am that girl who has no direction.
I am that girl who gives importance to small things. I am that girl who ignores the important things.
I am that girl who believes in a destined future. I am that girl who believes in shaping my own.
I am that girl who cries with you. I am that girl who sometimes makes you cry.
I am that girl who reaches for the stars. I am that girl who is frequently disappointed.
I am that girl who puts her whole heart into your problem. I am that girl who sees that you dont have a problem.
I am that girl who tells you she doesnt need you. I am that girl who wishes you would be by my side.
I am that girl who holds on to your memories. I am that girl who wishes for smiles to create memories.
I am that girl who never attended lectures. I am that girl who feels it did not make any difference.
I am that girl who makes her own decisions. I am that girl who changes her decision every 5 minutes.
I am that girl who is the worst judge of peoples character. I am that girl who believes all hearts are clean!
I am that girl who dreams a lot. I am that girl who hopes for her dreams change into reality.
I am that girl who puts her whole life into you. I am that girl who is often disappointed by the outcome.
I am that girl who has no patience. I am that girl who will wait for the right person forever.
I am that girl who is a small child inside. I am that girl who can sometimes take the most mature decisions.
I am that girl who will give you her heart. I am that girl who expects yours in return.
I am that girl who knows what your doing is wrong. I am that girl who knows she cant stop you.
I am that girl who can restore broken ties. I am that girl who is apprehensive to take the first step.
I am that girl who ignores your mistakes. I am that girl who does not forgive you easily.
I am that girl who repeats her mistakes. I am that girl who tells people to learn from there mistakes.
I am that girl who believes she's in love. I am that girl who is scared of her heart being crushed.

The Alphabet Meme

I don't normally go for these memes but at least it's got me writing something ...

A ~ Available? For for free advice- which let me add NOBODY takes seriously!
B ~ Bags- I mean handbags.. a girl can never have enough
C~ Chocolate- It's therapeutic!
D ~ Drink of choice: Water. It's God juice and good for you!
E ~ Eeks- My reaction to anything damp!
F ~ Food!
G ~ Guess- At the moment it's my obsession with the new Guess bags...
H ~ Home- There's no place else that comes that close to comfort
I ~ Indulgence: Bags, shoes and chocolates
J ~ Jealousy- No point denying we all feel jealous of something!
K ~ Karma- and let me tell you mine's quite good
L ~ Life - it does tend to get complicated, but if your not happy it's not the end
M ~ Money- and whoever says it can't buy happiness obviously DID NOT know where the good shops were
N ~ Number of shoes- 70 and still adding
O ~ others- the people whose feelings we should consider!
P ~ Phobias/fears: failure, lonliness, and missing out on the best sales!
Q ~ Queen- Yes, that almost sums me up- Drama Queen!
R ~ Reason to smile- my new pair of strappy black stillettos!
S~ Shoes all the way
T ~ Trouble- What my big mouth gets me into
U ~ Unknown fact about me- I dont care, so dont call me with a sob story!
V ~ Vedas- Thats where the real information is
W ~ Wok- I love Asian Woks
X ~X-rays - I can't ever see anything the doctors find signifiacnt on them!
Y ~ You- Your favorite person
Z ~ Zodiacs- I read the forcast everyday!

Sometimes

Sometimes... it's better to just be a silent listener. It's about keeping the peace.
Sometimes... a friend can stab you in the back, and you just have to deal with it, because there is not much else you can do.
Sometimes... people just come into your life to stay.
Sometimes... memories can give a new meaning to life.
Sometimes... nobody will understand you.
Sometimes... life will be unfair but you will get through.
Sometimes... you may go shopping only to find that you don't need anything.
Sometimes... you may feel fat and ugly.
Sometimes... life is just simple and ordinary.
Sometimes... you may love so deep that the feeling hurts.
Sometimes... you may be special.
Sometimes... you feel that you've lost a friend.
Sometimes... all it takes is a little bit of understanding and lots of love.
Sometimes... you need to give up and let go. And it's not easy.
Sometimes... life is just like that chocolate, it looks yummy till you see what it's done to your hips.
Sometimes... it's about that one apology.
Sometimes... it's about forgiveness.
Sometimes... just a hug is enough to reduce you to tears.
Sometimes... people will advice you correctly.
Sometimes... you may be right and all around you wrong!
Sometimes... life may be more demanding than you can manage.
Sometimes... the people you love may let you down.
Sometimes... things will happen without a meaning.
Sometimes... life will resemble a happy river, skipping through a bed of crystal pebbles. Sometimes... you will feel alone.
Sometimes... the entire world is not enough.
Sometimes... distance just does not matter.
Sometimes... it's all in the mind.
Sometimes... life is challenging!
Sometimes... it's just about you.
Sometimes... you can be in love with everything, yet love nobody.

Memories lane...

Dear S,

It seems like only yesterday that we met for the first time. Our first meeting was nothing to depict the people either of us were. I imagined you to be this shy, goody two shoes guy who was a family friend and who I would have no option but to mix with for the next four years. Our second meeting completely broke that illusion! Soon enough I saw the totally crazy side of your personality. Our friendship grew thicker each day, the mark of every morning being your phonecall. Even today, if someone calls me at 8am, the first person I think of is you! Somewhere down the road, that barrier broke between us and from a classmate you became one of my closest friends, my most trusted confidante.

I remember cracking up in lectures sitting next to you, sometimes giggling away till the lecturer had to make us sit at opposite ends of the class and even then, you would make faces and I would break into peals of laughter. Your imitations of people are just to die for. Even today, I can totally picture you mimicking our classmates and teachers. And just the thought is enough to make me crack up all over again. I will never forget, copying each others journals, mistakes included and photocopying notes the day before the exam. OC pracs will always remain a mystery to us both, and believe me another 100 years in college and we would still have to sweet talk the lab assistants into telling us the correct compounds! Always remember that we have paid up our share of losses with the breakage fees- always topping the lists- the only lists we topped in college! Our late night drives, just spilling out our frustrations, thinking about where the future would eventually take us. If we even had a future! Those spells of uncertainity and insecurity. Of just being there for one another. Today all those moments are captured into sparkling memories, something we will cherish as a past someday.

I distinctly remember your first heartbreak. I had never seen you so vulnerable before. I was firmly aware of the fact that I was the first person who you had confided in and I knew then that it was not meant to be. I tried my best to subtly tell you, but some emotions need to be lived to move on. And move on you did! Today, unbelievably, your standing on the brink of your wedding- less than 3 months away. I feel both nostalgia and happiness. Nostalgia, because something tells me that we've all grown up. Happiness because I see in 'S' exactly the kind of life partner that will bring to you the utmost levels of joy. The future looks beautiful, just like the past. Just don't forget to stop and feel each moment, because each moment will create a memory, that will last forever.Your life now will have a whole lot of new relationships, new bonds and lots of responsibilities. It's the starting of a new phase and thats always exciting. Our friendship will always stay the same no matter which part of the world we are. So here's to a beautiful life, one filled with happiness lots of laughter and crazy giggles!

~Angel

The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri

"For being a foreigner, Ashima is beginning to realize, is a sort of lifelong pregnancy — a perpetual wait, a constant burden, a continuous feeling out of sorts. It is an ongoing responsibility, a parenthesis in what had once been ordinary life, only to discover that previous life has vanished, replaced by something more complicated and demanding. Like pregnancy, being a foreigner, Ashima believes, is something that elicits the same curiosity from strangers, the same combination of pity and respect." - The Namesake

The year 1968 - Ashoke and Ashima Ganguli, bound together in an arranged marriage depart from their tradition-bound life in Calcutta to America. Packed with them are dreams, ambitions and cultural bonds which they never wish to let go. America to them is strange- it is not "Desh" and they try hard to make peace with their divided loyalties to India and America. The Ganguli’s fit readily into an academic community where they eventually find a group of other Bengalis, establishing a network of friends who gather for holidays and special occasions common to Bengali traditions. The book unfolds into a totally belivebale and relatable saga of a first generation immigrant family. Settling into a new life in a new land, soon they start a family of their own. And here's introducing Gogol Ganguli. That’s the name Ashoke and Ashima fill out in the forms for their firstborn when a letter from their grandmother that was supposed to inform the Gangulis of their newborn’s name, as per the Bengali tradition of the elders choosing a "good name" for the baby doesn't arrive in time. As the children grow up Ashima and Ashoke realise that raising their children, Gogol and Sonia in a different culture turns to be more challenging than they initially thought. As a child, Gogol loves the name his father gave him, preferring it to his formal name Nikhil. But as a gangly teenager growing into a suave architect, he starts to dislike it. His initial discomfort comes from the discovery of his namesake Russian author- Nikolai Gogol's idiosyncrasies. Later he wants to go by his formal name, Nikhil, to claim his own identity outside of his family's shadow. Just as he struggles with his name, Gogol wrestles with the worlds inside and outside his parents' home. But with his fathers sudden death, he begins on a journey of rediscovering his roots. But the journey goes much beyond a simple reclaiming of Gogol’s cultural heritage...

I have never been mesmerized by a book before this. Never ever! Maybe I can relate to it because I have been living in a foregin land for the past two years now, and India to me is still home. And yes, thats just how it will stay forever. I dislike people saying I'm of Indian origin, because it makes me feel like a hybrid, living in a foreign country. And thank you very much, but not only am I of Indian origin, but every part of me is Indian- the origin and my thoughts and all my actions! And it's not easy to live abroad. The book potrays just that. There is an intense pressure to be a part of two worlds. One which by all means is your world, a world that you were raised in, whose values and cultural roots your ground by; yet the other is the one you live in now. Both are dimensions of a life which have nothing to do with each other , yet are part of one person- YOU.

Today I am strangely aware of the things I live for- the family bonds, the friends who thought exactly like me, the culture that I'm growing to miss as the days go by, the Bollywood songs that still play on my car system. And then again, here I am in a foreign land, entering a world that I have little or no control over. A world that recognises me as just another foreigner. It's scary. And though I know that world tries very hard to take over my Indian mind, it hasn't suceeded just yet. My Indian roots are still thriving and green, and thats just how I intend to keep them. They will not shrivel and die because I won't let them. Ever. A bi-cultural life is rich but highly imperfect. After reading the book, I can safely conclude that while my life in a foreign country is highly rewarding for my career, it is founded on departure and deprivation. And that today brings to me the greatest sense of loss.

The fear Ashima feels everytime the phone rings in the middle of the night, like a siren of bad news from home. I can relate to that fear. Of being thousand of miles away, of not being able to be there when your needed most. I can relate to the helplessness when my friends call in the wee hours of the morning crying on the phone about break ups. There is just plain nothing I can do. I'm sitting miles away, in a country where nobody understands my fears or my ties.

Friends have become family. Which in a way is a great feeling, a feeling of belonging. But here I am in a country where family ties have no value. Just like Ashima, when I first moved out of home, I remember forming a large Indian group, meeting everyday, eating at each others houses- just to avoid eating alone at a table by yourself, spending entire weekends doing things together, watching Indian movies, cooking Indian food, going to buy Indian groceries, celebrating Indian festivals, the full clock works of being Indian. Today, I think I'm a little more relaxed on those terms, I have grown to befriend people of foreign origins, not agreeing to everything they say, but accepting it as a different culture. I would never embrace their culture, because that to me is alien. And as open minded as I get, some things will just always be out of bounds, because I do belive that I would rather be an Indian than an immigrant in terms of culture.

So after I read the book, which is also now a movie- I spoke to a lot of my close friends who like me have moved to different parts of the world, and they all echoed my thoughts. Everyone had gooseflesh at the end of the book/ movie and there was only one recurring thought, we need to go back before we start a family. Because challenging a foreign culture or the lack of it is difficult enough for adults, but subjecting your children to it is suicidal. And no matter how hard you try, you will always be a foreigner outside India- unfortunately blending with the crowd in terms of attire does not make you part of the crowd! I can't put into word my feeling after I've read the book and I do plan to watch the movie next week...